Positive Mind – New Year, Better Me

Merry Christmas and happy new year.

I’m still adjusting to the new reality that is 2017. 2016 was an awful year, but not because of all the celebrity deaths. People die everyday and in worse conditions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not downplaying their deaths – it is equally saddening. But, being as active on social media as I am, I cannot help but feel numb towards deaths by heart attacks, suicide or accidents anymore.

It’s sad isn’t it? To be exposed to so many horrible things that certain atrocities no longer bother you. It shouldn’t be that way but I would be lying if I said otherwise.

Besides that, last year started of with three deaths of those close to me, one of whom was a childhood friend. The rest of the year slowly fell into place in many ways, with one obstacle after another. P.S: Does anyone ever feel like every time you’re about to score, something holds you back? Yeah, that was 2016 in a gist for me. After a while, you can’t help but lose hope and feel a wee bit negative.

I always hear about people saying that we can take charge of our own happiness. I scoffed at that more than once because I always believed that things/people/events were what made happy moments.  It took me awhile to realize that that idea only resonated with me because I din’t want to be responsible for myself. For those of you who don’t know me ( and for those of you who do), I’m careful to avoid being put in a position in which I can be blamed. So I usually end my sentences with “I think”, just so you can’t put the blame on me completely. It’s a habit I’m trying to work on changing.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.

I don’t know anyone who would describe me as an optimistic individual – heck, I wouldn’t call this optimism to begin with. However, choosing to let go of some of the anger, grief and overall unhappiness little by little that have accumulated in me in the past four years have been liberating. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m not saying that I’m an overall negative person ( truly, I’m not), but there were instances in which I couldn’t help but feel less than happy about how certain things worked out. And because I’m not the kind of person who let’s go or even talks about how I feel, it just piles up over time.

The most difficult one of all to let go of was the grief. After four years, I still deeply feel the loss of my grandfather. On some days, it feels so raw that I am suddenly back at the hospital room he passed away in. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think that a part of me felt that getting over his death meant forgetting about him, like he was just another person. At certain points throughout the past four years, I felt guilty for being happy or enjoying Christmases even. There is a part of me that still feels those things, even now as I’m writing this.

Then again, I don’t think we completely get over the people who were a part of us, but we can choose to channel it in a different way. For what has felt like forever, I’m finally starting to feel the way I used to.

A lecturer once told me I have to want to feel happy again and not wait for it to waltz its way into my life – that was probably the wisest thing she ever said to me. So now, I’m choosing to stop dwelling on that fateful week in December 2012, but to use all my time and energy to appreciate every living second with those I still have with me. Because when my grandfather passed away, all I could think about was how I wished he could’ve seen me do all that he wished for.. Never stopping to think for a second that I still have important people here who can see it for themselves. I don’t want to ever be in a position where I have to wonder “what if”.. I never had that problem with my grandpa because we had a beautiful relationship and yet, I was still very distraught when he passed away.

With that being said, I have turned over a new leaf and I’ve been working on feeling better ever since. I have decided to forgive and look past certain things too. Feels great so far.

But let me tell you this. Being positive and choosing to feel better or be a better person is not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. It is so, so hard. It will be worth it though. Even though this resolution started out late last year, I’m determined to make 2017 a year I can be proud of. A year for self growth.

Now excuse me while I struggle to get back into a normal sleep pattern. By that I mean, not sleeping at 7.30 in the morning watching re-runs of The Flash again.

 

xx

Kelly

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Irresponsibly responsible

I started this blog as a means to keep writing and to make sure I do not lose my touch again. I beautifully failed at doing both those things. I allowed my assignments and my need for quiet time get in the way of doing what I truly love and in the process, got a little rusty with this. I used to blog more frequently up till two years ago. I realized that the old blog had too many posts about people I would rather just forget about.

Even so, I could not bring myself to delete it completely, so I just made it private. With all the written memories of friendships I no longer wanted to hold on to locked away for me to read about someday, I thought I would start anew. But obviously, it is not the same.

I’ve had trouble keeping up this time around. I used to be a lot more funnier back then too. Oh well.

Unlike my old blog, I chose to keep this private. My first post on moderate Islam was posted on my Facebook page and some are pinned on my twitter account, but I stopped at that. I realized that there were many things I wanted to write about in my old one that I couldn’t because I knew exactly who was reading it. While that made it super easy to direct a post to someone I chose, I could never be completely honest with my content.

Whenever I got emotional, such as when I wrote about my grandfather, I felt like I wasn’t being sincere in the words I said. A part of me wondered if whether I wrote and said the things I did because I felt it, or because I knew everyone else was going to read it. And I hated that.

I like this way better. Although I’m sure I have some weird friend who comes back here to see what I’m saying when I’m not writing longg political posts on Facebook, I would rather keep it going this way. Also, I like my site address and I don’t intend on changing it anytime soon.

It is 3.30 in the morning here in Malaysia. Honestly, I would just like to eat something right now and think about what else to binge watch. But, somehow I felt like writing here again. And that is a good thing, because I do not know when I will write next.

Which is what brings me to my new year’s resolution. I pledge to write on here as often as I can – for real, this time. I usually keep to my resolutions each year, but 2016 has been a real bummer.

2017 will be better, I know it.

 

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I saw a video today of a father looking down at the body of his child. There was a fire in a Johor hospital and the child was unfortunately one of the casualties.

I do not want to take away from his grief, but watching that clip brought back some sour memories for me. I remember doing the same thing to my grandfather on December 4th, 2012. I remember looking down at him in the coffin, making sure my tears don’t fall on his face.

I remember the ice packs at the sides and how cold his hand were to the touch. I recall trying to savor my last moments with him, even though he wasn’t truly there.

I struggled inside when I did this, not being sure of whether I wanted to remember him that way or as the witty character he was when he had life in him. I wasn’t sure if I would regret choosing not to look one last time. So I just stared while my thoughts battled one another.

It was during moments like those where I wished for clarity. I don’t always know what to do, or what to think.. But at that moment I wish I did.

I miss him very much. I remember in the weeks before he left us, he told me he was proud of me – even though I never gave anyone anything to be proud of at that time as a lazy 17-year old. He also said that he wanted to see many things and one of them included me going to college and graduating.

If he felt proud of the easy-going moderate student I was back then, I think he would be so happy to see me as the hard-working and serious college student I am today and how well I’m doing. He worked in the same field I am currently studying in.

He was like a second father to me.

Four years on and I have come to a point where I try to avoid thinking about him at all in the morning so that it won’t make me upset for the remainder of the day. Maybe someday I will accept that he is gone, but sadly it won’t happen just yet.

I dread Christmas these days because of how I always come across things that remind me of gifts I would’ve gotten him. I no longer enjoy the holiday like I used to at all. If anything, it gives me a knotted feeling in my stomach right up into the new year.

Pops, wherever you are, I hope you’re at peace and at ease. You’ve spent so much of your life worrying about others and taking care of them.

I Love you.

It feels so ridiculous to have to say these things here because I know he is never going to read it.

Goodnight

xx

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Hello again.

Today I am writing to you from Portsmouth, England.

My home, Malaysia, is currently suffering from a heatwave and while you think the cool spring weather here might be just what I needed, it really is not. My tolerance for the cold is just about the worst. You could say that I’ve taken myself out from one extreme to another.

Sadly, I’m not in the land of hope and glory for anything hopeful, nor glorious.

My mum and I were on our way here to visit my uncle who recently fell ill and were completely heartbroken when we heard he had passed away while on transit in Doha. The following six hours on the plane was grim, to say the least.

We were so certain we would get there on time to give him one last hug, but God had other plans it appears.

With that being said, death is a very peculiar thing, isn’t it?

It’s weird how a body can go from being full of life and personality to literally being nothing more than a shell of its former self. Even with that thought in mind, a lot of us feel and act as if the person we knew is still somewhere in there. I myself was bothered with the idea of my grandfather being cremated after he passed away. Just the thought of the body being burned and alone made my eyes wet.

Do you believe in life after death?

Has it ever crossed your mind what it’s like up there? I think about it all the time.

Do they meet other loved ones who have passed? How long before they ‘cross over’ into a different place or do they still live among us, invisible and ignored as we go on with our daily lives?

“Was that shadow I saw from the side of my eye ‘him’?”

“Was that smell I just had mean he’s here with us?”

There are so many things we ask ourselves so that we may use that as an excuse to give us assuring answers. Especially when it makes you feel less lonely.

And that makes the process a little more bearable for some.

I know what I’m about to say will sound a little ridiculous to a lot of you, but we felt my uncle’s presence today. Something strange happened and we all realized that it was him trying to tell us he was there, in his own mischievous way. And that thought made my aunt feel better. I could tell.

It put a smile on her face.