Merry Christmas and happy new year.
I’m still adjusting to the new reality that is 2017. 2016 was an awful year, but not because of all the celebrity deaths. People die everyday and in worse conditions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not downplaying their deaths – it is equally saddening. But, being as active on social media as I am, I cannot help but feel numb towards deaths by heart attacks, suicide or accidents anymore.
It’s sad isn’t it? To be exposed to so many horrible things that certain atrocities no longer bother you. It shouldn’t be that way but I would be lying if I said otherwise.
Besides that, last year started of with three deaths of those close to me, one of whom was a childhood friend. The rest of the year slowly fell into place in many ways, with one obstacle after another. P.S: Does anyone ever feel like every time you’re about to score, something holds you back? Yeah, that was 2016 in a gist for me. After a while, you can’t help but lose hope and feel a wee bit negative.
I always hear about people saying that we can take charge of our own happiness. I scoffed at that more than once because I always believed that things/people/events were what made happy moments. It took me awhile to realize that that idea only resonated with me because I din’t want to be responsible for myself. For those of you who don’t know me ( and for those of you who do), I’m careful to avoid being put in a position in which I can be blamed. So I usually end my sentences with “I think”, just so you can’t put the blame on me completely. It’s a habit I’m trying to work on changing.
Anyway, back to what I was saying.
I don’t know anyone who would describe me as an optimistic individual – heck, I wouldn’t call this optimism to begin with. However, choosing to let go of some of the anger, grief and overall unhappiness little by little that have accumulated in me in the past four years have been liberating. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m not saying that I’m an overall negative person ( truly, I’m not), but there were instances in which I couldn’t help but feel less than happy about how certain things worked out. And because I’m not the kind of person who let’s go or even talks about how I feel, it just piles up over time.
The most difficult one of all to let go of was the grief. After four years, I still deeply feel the loss of my grandfather. On some days, it feels so raw that I am suddenly back at the hospital room he passed away in. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think that a part of me felt that getting over his death meant forgetting about him, like he was just another person. At certain points throughout the past four years, I felt guilty for being happy or enjoying Christmases even. There is a part of me that still feels those things, even now as I’m writing this.
Then again, I don’t think we completely get over the people who were a part of us, but we can choose to channel it in a different way. For what has felt like forever, I’m finally starting to feel the way I used to.
A lecturer once told me I have to want to feel happy again and not wait for it to waltz its way into my life – that was probably the wisest thing she ever said to me. So now, I’m choosing to stop dwelling on that fateful week in December 2012, but to use all my time and energy to appreciate every living second with those I still have with me. Because when my grandfather passed away, all I could think about was how I wished he could’ve seen me do all that he wished for.. Never stopping to think for a second that I still have important people here who can see it for themselves. I don’t want to ever be in a position where I have to wonder “what if”.. I never had that problem with my grandpa because we had a beautiful relationship and yet, I was still very distraught when he passed away.
With that being said, I have turned over a new leaf and I’ve been working on feeling better ever since. I have decided to forgive and look past certain things too. Feels great so far.
But let me tell you this. Being positive and choosing to feel better or be a better person is not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. It is so, so hard. It will be worth it though. Even though this resolution started out late last year, I’m determined to make 2017 a year I can be proud of. A year for self growth.
Now excuse me while I struggle to get back into a normal sleep pattern. By that I mean, not sleeping at 7.30 in the morning watching re-runs of The Flash again.